Calamari: Smitten
by Crysania
Summary: Someone gave me a Tumblr prompt that something along the lines of "Stan is smitten with Ursula.." And this fic was born. [The 11th in the Calamari verse!]


He hates when the Sea Witch comes to visit. She's all slime and tentacles and this irritating way of getting under his skin. She's maybe not as annoying as the one with the dogs, what was her name again?...Cruella or some such thing. She's tall and spindly and constantly on him with irritating jokes about his height.

Not that he cares about such things.

But if he did…

Well, neveryoumindthat. The Sea Witch is on his door step before he can send her back to where she came, tentacles wrapping around the door as she steps in.

She's a strange creature here on land. Half woman, half octopus, and all annoyed.

"I'm here to make a deal," she says as she strides up to where he sits at his wheel.

One of her tentacles comes out to brush at his face and damned if he doesn't want to crawl off to his bath.

"I'm afraid you have nothing that I want." The words are clipped. "Now be gone unless you want to find yourself residing in my duck pond."

She laughs at that… _laughs_. "As if you'd…"

"Don't tempt me, dearie." The words come out on a snarl. But they don't bother her. Of course they don't. Nothing bothers the Sea Witch. "After what you did…"

"To your precious maid? Please…that was all Cruella."

"I seem to recall _your_ tentacles around her neck," he snarls back.

"And I thought you didn't care about her," Ursula responds with and there's a saccharin sweetness to her voice that's grating.

"I don't." There's no bite behind the words. He _wants_ there to be bite but he can't even get them to come out right. He doesn't care. _He doesn't_. Why would he care about his maid?

Ursula just smirks.

She can apparently read him like a children's book.

Ridiculous bloody creature.

"What do you want?" he finally asks. Sometimes it's easier to just shut her up than to keep trading insults and nastiness. She's good at the game after all, had many years to perfect it. Not as many as him, mind, but she's been around the block a number of times and that sort of thing comes easily to her.

"Now we're talking," she says and steps a little closer.

"Rumplestiltskin!" comes the shout from behind him. Loud. Obnoxious.

He turns and glares at the octopus as he comes racing across the main room of his castle. He's surprisingly fast for a sea creature out of water. And not so surprisingly loud. At this point, he's almost used to the volume of Stan's voice.

 _Almost_.

"What the hell is that?" Ursula asks, one eyebrow up, hands on her hips.

"I thought you'd recognize your own kind," Rumplestiltskin responds with, his noise crinkling even as he sneers the words at the Sea Witch.

"My…" she starts to say but she can't get much more out because Stan is _on_ her. Literally. He simply floors her with his waving tentacles.

"You have a great mantle!" he shouts.

"Wh…" is all Ursula can get out. She's surrounded by slimy tentacles and isn't that just perfect. Utterly perfect.

Rumplestiltskin bites back a laugh. Not that she can probably hear him. Stan's tentacles are reaching up around her head and Ursula is making a strange choking noise and she cannot fight him off.

"You're beautiful!" Stan shouts.

Ursula lets out a muffled cry.

He's pretty sure he hears _help me_ in the middle of it all.

"I need to mate with you!"

"Noooo…" which is just a mere gurgle.

He hears a bit of laughter, quiet, musical. He doesn't even know how he hears it over Stan's shouting and Ursula's muffled curses, but he does nonetheless. It's like he's tied into her voice…somehow. Or maybe he's just so used to the commotion caused by his ridiculous houseguest that he has learned to tune it out.

"Belle!" Stan shouts.

Ursula makes a gurgling noise.

Rumplestiltskin makes a huge sweeping gesture with his hands. It should be obvious to _anyone_ want he means but no, Belle ignores it, skipping her way into the room.

Ok, she doesn't _skip_ , but she might as well for how utterly merry she looks. "Stan," she says and _tries_ to sound stern. Even Rumplestiltskin can sound more stern than that. Belle has a strange fondness for the ridiculous creature. She'd probably have some sort of fondness for Ursula if the Sea Witch hadn't tried to strangle her not that long ago.

Of course, at the moment all that can be seen of Ursula is one hand and a bit of her blond hair.

Stan doesn't release the Sea Witch. Of course he doesn't. He drags himself over to who Rumplestiltskin is pretty sure is his best friend in the whole world. And shouts. "I'm going to mate with her!"

The one arm of Ursula's that's free flails about, the fingers desperately trying to push away the large octopus.

Belle watches for a moment, eyes wide. He can see the moment that she realizes exactly who Stan has in his grasp. He doesn't know what he expects her to do once he realizes that it's Ursula. Maybe step back, run, try to get away from the woman who once threatened to kill her and came very close to doing it too.

But no.

That would not be Belle.

She stares, mouth slightly open, as she steps a little closer to the spectacle. He supposes it really _is_ ridiculous. He finds himself snickering, the grin on his face half-amused, half-sneer. "It does serve you right, dearie," he mutters.

Ursula finally manages to free her head, though she's covered in a sticky goop and looking rather worse for wear at that moment. "Please…I'll do anything…just get him off me."

"Anything?" Rumplestiltskin asks and presses his hands together as he feels the glee overtake him. Well, if she'll do _anything_ , then maybe just maybe he'll remove Stan.

Though she did almost kill Belle.

Not that Belle matters to him.

At all.

He glances at the woman in question and she has her arms crossed over her chest and she's glaring at him. _At him_. As if it's his fault the ridiculous creature has taken an interest in the Sea Witch.

But then he watches Belle's mouth twitch. It's fascinating, the way it curls up just slightly before she tries to pull the stern face back.

"I love her!" Stan shouts and it's those words that cause Belle's composure to break. She lets out a great big laugh, the likes of which he's never heard from her before. He's heard her laugh, certainly, and he often tries to _get_ her to laugh these days, saying ridiculous over the top things that get some sort of reaction from her. But he's never seen her doubled over, hands wrapped around her waist, face red and with _tears_.

He glances back to where Stan is still wrapped around Ursula and feels the same laughter bubble up in him.

The Dark One does not laugh.

He sneers.

He might even offer a manic giggle.

But he does not laugh.

Only this time he feels his face quirk oddly, feels a little tug at the corner of his mouth.

"You find it funny too!" Belle shouts.

"She's mine!" Stan follows with.

"I _do_ ," Rumplestiltskin finally says and cannot stop the laugh from escaping. It's ridiculous and hilarious and somehow it really does serve the sea witch right.

"Get me out of here." Ursula's voice comes from deep within Stan's tentacles. It's weak and miserable

Belle takes a deep breath. There's a gurgling sound coming from somewhere near Stan. In Stan? He's not even sure. "Is she breathing?" she asks.

Rumplestiltskin shrugs. "Probably."

"Rumple," Belle says and puts her hands on her hips. She's still half smiling. She's still amused. But there's also a small worried crease between her brows.

"Oh _alright_ ," he says and snaps his fingers.

Stan disappears. Just like that. He's gone. And he's almost certain he hears, from _somewhere_ in his castle, the ridiculous creature's shout of annoyance.

Ursula is left standing in the middle of the room, covered in goop, and staring at them.

"He's probably going to start throwing things at you again," Belle points out.

Not helpful. "Yes well, I'll expect you to keep control of your _pet_." He steps closer to her as he speaks.

"I don't think Stan is anyone's pet," Belle shoots back and takes a step closer.

They're almost nose to nose by that point. Rumplestiltskin wears a sneer on his face. He's sure of it. Belle is just smirking, arms crossed over her chest.

It's a familiar place for them to be, battling like this. Especially when it comes to Stan and his antics. He's been nothing but a thorn in his side since he got him in that deal. But Belle loves the damned creature so what can he do?

Well, he could get rid of him.

He could _cook_ him. He's heard magical octopus is quite the delicacy in some parts of the world.

Or was that magical squid?

Well, either way, he doesn't. Because Belle…well…because Belle… _Dammit_.

"Oh my _Gods_ , I am _not_ watching this!" Ursula's voice was higher pitched than they've ever heard it. "Nothing is worth this."

She turns then and stomps off, each step making a weird squishing noise. He's never heard a thing quite like it. She's simply _covered_ in goop and she's not even trying to remove it.

"So no deal, dearie?" Rumplestiltskin asks and steps away from his…Belle…no, his maid. He steps away from his maid and her fiery blue eyes and her tempting lips. There are things he wants to…

 _No_.

He will not think of such things. Or at least he won't, until his eyes stray back to her and he notes her very pink cheeks and the way she's biting her lip and won't quite meet his eyes and…

"No." Ursula says and he realizes she's somehow made it to the door during that time. How _did_ she get there anyway? She wasn't there a moment ago, but somehow she had made it all the way to the door while he and Belle were…best not to think on that.

He really must get his mind off the girl.

But he doesn't. He glances back at her and he feels the color rise on his _own_ cheeks. She's giving him a look. One of _those_ looks and if it were a different girl and a different _man_ , then perhaps…well…

"Oh just wait until I'm out of here before you rip each other's clothes off!" And then Ursula is gone, squishing her way outside and letting the door slam behind her.

He's left with Belle staring at him. _Staring_. With her mouth slightly open.

"Oh do…" _Do stop gaping like a fish…_

And then he stops. Because that isn't nice and he's afraid that she's going to say _something_ and this whole thing will get _more_ awkward. And he's not sure he can handle any more of that. _Rip their clothes off, indeed_. As if he'd…or rather she'd…

He really has to stop thinking about such things.

"I…" Belle starts to say and her face, which was slightly tinted pink before has gone a rather alarming shade of red.

"Are you…" He doesn't quite get the words out.

"I loved her _so much_!" Stan shouts from somewhere in the castle. He's not even sure where he is, but the voice is loud and mournful and…funny.

Belle bites her lip again. He bites back a groan.

And then she's laughing, the tension gone, the moment gone. "Come on, Rumplestiltskin," she says with a grin. "Let's get some tea and set about figuring out just where you magicked Stan to."

She holds out an arm, which he stares at for just a little bit too long. And then he takes it. And lets her lead him to the kitchen.

Hopefully she'll forget all about Ursula's proclamation.

Though he's fairly certain from the look she gives him out of the corner of his eye, she's done anything _but_ that.


End file.
